laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- total eclipse of the heart yesterday was also noah's birthday. i didn't know that they were the same day. how ironic. we have exactly the same feelings, more than i initially thought. "It's just hard when your feelings are stuck in the middle. When you are two steps away from completely calling things off and two steps from devoting yourself to him. This is a time where the egg shells are raining heavy... and you have to be careful of the baby chicks inside." i was there four days ago and before that. in the last three, though, it's been love. it's been tears inside my body. it's been confusion and indecision about what to give. and now. last night and today. it's been tears outside my body. and i have to choose whether or not to give it. i don't want to say that i can't take this. because during the course of my life i've taken much more draining and difficult things. but i can't say that it isn't going to tear me apart. limb from limb. and i can't say that i won't get sick, like my body is wont to do. i just don't want to take this. but it's far too late for that now. and i have to go to school the next day. one week i have left. not even, actually. and then nine until his graduation. last night: "in three years i'll come back. and we'll get married and live in hawaii. and i'll teach dancing." -- "i was standing at the bank today, and I realized how terrible it is to be everyone but me." me: "why?" "Because they don't have you" -- i keep crying. the day i looked at engagement rings keeps slipping into my thoughts. i don't even like to admit to myself that i did that. but my heart won't let me forget. and i just keep thinking: there had to have been a reason. it wasn't premeditated. i just thought...why not? so the navy called me the other day. "Sandra" they said. You're going to be a senior this year, have you thought about what you're going to do after college? Have you considered joining the navy? It took all of my strength not to scream into the phone and throw it across the room. But Grace reminded me, at swim practice the other day when i just felt inadequate and tired: "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." -- 1:19 p.m. - 2004-08-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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