laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bouquet of clumsy words (long entry) i'm simply furious that for some reason when i went to your words they were words of old. and i didn't learn of your show until just now. because the new words didn't come on my computer. gack. what are you waiting for love? i'm hungry. and tommorow, i'm going to be in a wading pool of shit and embarassment. because it's now....1:17am and i have an 8min rough draft oratory for speech and debate due in about 8 hours. and i haven't even started it. but in my defense, i don't know where exactly to start. or how to continue for that matter. thus my not having done so already. the trouble here is that i respect this particular teacher with the utmost sincerity, and i simply dread the thought of having to see her face after i tell her i have nothing to show. i've considered, and am still considering, dropping the class, in fact. in order to just avoid this assignment entirely. this decision:pending. updates will follow. the more stories i hear of horrendous first time sex experiences, the more i love noah. and his penis that has no problem getting or keeping an erection. yaaaay noah! I'm not surprised of travis. not one bit, that stressed out walking self-conscious balloon waiting to be popped boy. I feel bad though. i do feel bad. for him. And then i think. Yaaaaaay Noah! again. ~~ So this is what happened to me last night/this morning. I took a shower after cleaning my room and organizing vigorously. I lotioned my legs and braided my hair. I put on his shirt, and eventually tight black leggings. I read of some sex in the big bang, because i remembered last night that i had that book. and hadn't picked it up in awhile. i had a candle lit. and lovely music playing. it was beautiful under my blankets right before i fell asleep. warm and snug and i felt his presence with me, with his shirt buttoned around me. then i had a dream. a dream that involved my mom, telling me that noah was going to come back and wasn't going to love me. he was going to love the navy, and blondes, and rottweiler dogs. he wasn't going to want to be with me, because we'll be different people. my mom and i were fighting in my dream, and she kept spewing at me the meanest things she could think so spew, regarding noah and my relationship with him during and after his navy time. The. meanest. things. possible. And I started crying. I started sobbing, actually. crying and screaming at her to shut up. i think i may have started hitting her in my dream also, i don't remember. and then i woke up, still sobbing. i fucking woke up sobbing this morning. my pillow wet with tears i'd already cried in my sleep. this is the third instance in my life where i've woken up crying. this is the worst yet, however. and even after i woke up, i kept crying. because i was so affected by what had happened. and i hadn't really realized yet that that hadn't really happened. it was just realistic. and i've decided, that next to a broken heart, the death of a close person, or finding out you have some kind of cancer or disease, waking up crying is one of the worst feelings to ever experience. i was in such disbelief that it had happened again i couldn't even get up to get a kleenex. i just went back to sleep in hopes of forgetting what had just taken place. and that's what happened to me last night/this morning. yesterday i found poems he'd written. i wish they were about me. but that's selfish. they are beautiful in their own right. and i want to talk to him about them so badly. but i can't because i found them in the boxes in his room. i don't know if he would have wanted me to read them. and i feel like a little snooping bitch for having done that. even though his brother was with me, and read them too. they are sad. but it feels good to remember things he's said to me. good things. he loves me. and he hated to be in his bed knowing he had to wait until morning to see me again. it is selfish of me, again, to think this way probably. but i will do it anyway for my own sake. i like to think i have helped him grow and love. I like to think I could be the girl he wrote about. But better. That i could be, but what he felt for that girl doesn't even compare to what he feels for me. and that i deserve an entire book poems. I wonder if he would really be upset if he knew i'd read them. I wonder if he's ever thought of writing one about me. selfish foolish girl. But he wrote a line in one, that says, I want you to be my wife. my heart jumped into my throat. he wrote that one, i'm estimating, about a year ago, give or take. and i was simply astonished that he had written that. that he thinks of it. it could have been something that sounded good in a poem. but that seems like a pretty big step to be thrown in arbitrarily. don't you think? I feel..a little settled. a little relieved, kind of. He thinks about it. He wrote me in a letter, i've been thinking about it, and i've decided that i have to marry you. because i hate every other girl on earth.-but then he said-not really, but i do love you more than i could ever love anyone else.- so what does that mean. not really i don't have to marry you? I just believe that it means he does, but he doesn't really mean that he hates every other girl on earth. he doesnt' hate emily and annette and those girls. just as long as he doesnt' love another, except his mom or grandma or other family member. i can't believe how long this entry is. and i keep thinking about that poem. i inadvertantly discovered this whole other spectre of noah that i knew instinctively that he had, from emails and letters. if you read between the lines you see it there, screaming outat you "i'm a talented writer". i'm reassured more than i ever thought possible. I'm also happy in a greedy kind of way, that i know of this and few other people do. his mom to an extent and his brother. maybe his dad, but i'm not sure about that. to everyone else he is funny noah. red head noah. skinny sarcastic noah. i'm glad i know now. and as i was painting the cabinets and i just kept thinking "i must love him. because i'm pretty sure i would never do this for another person (except ava) that wasn't also present and helping. i wouldn't do this for many other people period. It must be love." ```~~``` it must be love 1:15 a.m. - 2004-08-30 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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