laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- have I told you lately, that I love you.. God you're beautiful. My mind is full and strings and my love for you untangles them, but then your words thatch them right back up again into a labrynth of darkness. what do they mean? your words? They're talking about the world trade centers on pbs tonight. jews rebuilding it. immigrants. i care. i don't. i miss you. it seems to me like i've been doing too much missing these days. i missed myself this weekend so i spent it sleeping and inhaling rain. absorbing rain in my soul. but it's never enough. i never tire of rainy days. never. today my midsection bloated up like some type of balloon. and i'll be dipped if i could explain it. no period. no strange ness. hmm. pure mystery. but i put fat girl on the magnet board. i'll keep it there for awhile. fat girl. I can't say I don't get jealous of him. i miss you much. i feel a little bit like a wall of penis has been erected between us. still soft enough. but too much to let stand. do you agree at all dearest? i wonder this often. i'm all confused. but today in therapy it was so good. She helps untangle the strings too. But I'm more scared now than i was before, i'll admit it. perhaps concerned. I'm more concerned about having an adult relationship with my mother, even moreso that that may never exist. I thought it would eventually. But it will either never, or will only after the passing of many many years. And so i am alone like i originally presumed. I am alone in this walk. Thank you, family. Brother: working, fighting, working, working. Sister: crazy, working, divorcing, fighting. Dad: Not working, working, getting sicker. Mom: crazy. going more crazy. going less crazy. (taking more medication.) thinks i'm going to be taken advantage of....constantly. do you understand me? it's CONSTANT. i'll never find someone who won't want to hurt me (she thinks.) i'll never find someone who doesn't want to use me. But even if i do. Scratch that. But even if i HAVE, she will put him through this test that I fear even the strongest man might not withstand. I just have to take each breath with the hope that love is truly ignorant and blind, and thus knows no barriers, including that of an overprotective, overbearing mother. Have you seen virgin suicides? Well it's not that bad on the outside. Instead of saying no, she says fuck you. And we fight. not much anymore.But it comes. and when it does. it does. do you understand? i know you don't. well you do. my love. you do. and then also today the rocks in my heart weighed it to the bottom of my intestines. I realized she might say no you cannot go to illionois. but. she. no. we, rather, will never be the same if that be the case. we will not speak the same if at all. we will no hug the same. it's not a threat. it's not a tantrum or a hissy fit. that would just do it. that would do it. but. i've also taken from just today, that i am strong. i am strong. and i can only get stronger. especially walking alone. 9:20 p.m. - 2004-09-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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