laffinkid's Diaryland Diary

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this little light of mine...

I haven't listened to dj shadow in a while. it's smooth. it's different from before. i like it.
A week from tommorow we'll be in the same state. a week from friday we'll be in a love infested embrace.
I don't feel like a different person. But I do feel like a better person. I don't really care as much as I used to, and yet I care more. My speech touches me more every time i read it. If i heard a peer of mine giving it, i would shower upon them my utmost respect. And that's not to be egotistical.
I've learned alot. from many things. From music. I've learned alot from music. If you say you cannot love someone without being in love with them you're wrong. this excludes family members, obviously.
I have a confession to make. Here it is:
I love Travis. But. Like a brother. not even a brother. An Equal. A precious, extremely hard to come by equal. A smart young man, soon to be man. A cultural scholar, a generally open minded person who loves learning and knowlege. A comic, and an audience. A musician and on-looker. A reader. A computer geek. The person I strive to be in so many ways. The person I am in every way. We are so alike it's uncanny. And yet, so dis-similar it keeps things interesting. He has much to learn of lives, not literal but spiritual. He's getting there at a faster rate.
But I fear for him. His military desires. He will change something in the world. He will be something. But I fear he will not be one whom i respect still. admire. observe with awe. He will be just another man in the grider of our military meat packing plant. indistinguishable from all other forms.
On another train track....I want to be able to talk to him in a conversation. A long one. A conversation about everything. Anything. But I feel like no matter what we're saying to each other nowadays emily is between us. I feel guilty for being in love with him in the past. And it feels like he feels guilty for knowing i was at one point in love with him, and though he never admitted it he knew. and now emily is a jealous barrier.
She says things like "i feel like when you and travis talk i'm just this dumb girl and i can't even join the conversation because you guys are off in this other world"
and so we just stop talking around her all together. and then we just stop talking. period. recently this has lessened. but there's still that sweet cheeked brunette wall.
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so, this band...Sunday Afternoon. It's such a release. Their sound is so velvet. not like dj shadow. a different smooth. a sensation like skin on skin. soft hair brushing over the sensitive parts. do you know?
like that.

6:12 p.m. - 2004-09-29

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