laffinkid's Diaryland Diary

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one-way ticket

i am so cold. it's insane. ridiculous.

my ears are still infected. daaaammn homie.

i have talked to noah for approximately 5 minutes total today. this is a strange occcurance. he's almost out of minutes until the 17th of this month, and he has night classes. so that's a shitter. but today it kind of felt like he was upset about something. i hate that feeling. it's weird that we haven't talked today, because we've talked for at least one hour every day for the last three weeks.
i'm not freaking out or anything. i'm not even upset. i just want it to be because of the minutes and not because of something else.
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damn it i'm cold.
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to be honest it doesn't even feel real. i never thought to day would come. i keep thinking: what if i die? i could die any day and then the plans next week and the plans for my lifetime would mean nothing. nothing.

that's why i comfortable with love. i could die tommorow. i could die anytime.

i'm not going to waste my heart and time looking for someone i haven't met yet. because i've met the someone i've been looking for.

if that changes so be it. i'm not going to plan on that failure. you may not see it. you may not have ever felt it. my pain. you were not there with me in that basement. you were not there with me in those houses with those dogs and that weed. and those turntables and those bodies bare fleshed. you did not see those eyes and feel that skin. you did not swim in that pool and speak that language.
you didn't sleep on the floors and you didn't hold me when my heart wept for a better time. a better feeling than that. you weren't around for the lies and the late nights worrying. you didn't go up to the apartment. you didn't say the word "experience" like it meant something more holy than i or she or he or them or you or anyone could ever grasp in this lifetime or five more.
the dogs that barked and the cars that were driven and the music we danced to and the sweat the beaded and dried on not only my salty skin were all the things heard but not felt. by anyone but us two. she and i were the deciples of a more important adventure and a more important purpose than finding love or feeling high.

i was there. and i was the one who was broken.

but you know who put me back together? me. And now that i'm almost back to the floral vase i once was (with only a few minor irreparable cracks, though i think they just add character) i have found a beautiful arrangement that fills me right up.

who knows. maybe i'll drop this vase again. but for now it's definitely in a safe place. a safe place over a warm leonine hearth, away from any dangerous pools and lurking out-of-body experiences.

my love doesn't believe me, that i've been around the world and back again. but it doesn't matter really. i'd just as soon he didn't believe me. even i don't. i don't really even want him to know my departure and arrivals. because the only arrival that matters now is the one that brings me to his arms and his lips and his hands.

8:24 p.m. - 2004-11-02

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