laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - it feels much better to write here than to write in livejournal. there. i have to be on. or no one will comment. and that is, for some reason, a tragedy (when no on comments). on. funny. witty. clever. girlish. boyish. not me at all. everything all at once. but here, like peixe said, is a new old. or i guess more like i interpreted. old, but new in chapter. or even in book. there is a partition between this one..and those one's..(of the past). the habit, the longing, of a tattoo has come over me again. I want to feel the pain. I am not in what I would call a bad place. But. It's not a good one. And I want to feel something other than what I feel. all the time. all the time on me. weight. pressure. performance. images. and fat. i want to go to the place that your body makes your mind go to when you feel pain for an enduring period of time. I want to go to that place inside myself that is so hard to reach. but, like all things I want or need, I cannot afford it. and so it goes. today noah sent me money through western union. and i feel guilty as a person can possibly feel. like this: a drug addict. but i'm not a drug addict. i don't drink. i don't go out. i don't party or drive around alot. i don't buy new things. i just need to pay my bills. and get food. so why, then, do i feel this guilt weighing on me the way the world weighed on atlas?? 10:24 p.m. - 2005-09-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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