laffinkid's Diaryland Diary

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Cutting you Cutting me-I love my mom

The Love of My Life, My Fiance, is in Ja-fucking-pan.

someone kill me before the blood streaming from my heart comes curdling out of my mouth, making a terrible terrible mess.

Even the anticipation is not what other people might think it should be, because I am afraid to leave here, just as much if not more than I am excited to go there.

I will visit and that will be good. I will move there, and I don't know how that will be. different is how that will be. different and lonely and terrifying and new and friendless. is how it will be.

I almost got a tattoo tonight, but the only way I could pay for it is with a credit card.....and that is no good. so next week I will probably go, after I pay my bills.

I can't wait to feel the needles.

Morbid? ... .. maybe.

I have been sitting here quite a while, waiting for Noah to call me. And it hasn't happened yet.

I also lost my voice, somewhere in the midst of all of this. And tonight I am sleeping in my bed.

shit.

Listen:
I feel like I am supposed to take it like "a man" and grieve and be sad and then get on with everything in my life and get over noah being gone and be ok with having minimal communication for long periods of time. don't bitch. don't whine. don't complain.
Well I think that's shitty. Because people ask me how I am, and I say good. mostly. school's going alright. roomates are going good. I have a car and food and clothes and running water.
But really, I want to say this: "I'm completely fucking numb. Nothing you say or do matters to me because I am currently on autopilot. I do my schoolwork and go to work and drive my car and talk to friends, but all I think about every second of every moment of every day is my fiance who joined the navy before we met and for whom I now feel endless amounts of love. and as a result must also now feel endless amounts pain. because he joined the navy before we met." And then procede to reveal how long it's been since we last got to share a kiss, or even a glance at one another. How long it's been since I've been able to hear his voice, and see his face....simultaneously.

Then I would say all the wonderful things about him, to make them feel extra bad for ever asking me how I am.

Bitterness.

I am sad to report, that the thing that is most true, is the autopilot. I am on autopilot in between times. And when he comes home, I come home.

My mom has been really, really great. She seems sad about my impending departure, but happy for my future overall. Which I am ecstatic about. Ecstatic is not even a strong enough word. She has let me hang out with her and let me cry into the phone at random times, even while she's at work. And this time she has not said something to the effect of "you will get over noah and find someone else and be happier". Which is a great feeling. She has really been amazing.

My mom helps me feel alot better.

But, tonight, I am sleeping my bed.

Shit.

11:15 p.m. - 2005-10-22

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