laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in my white tee Oh. I am too drowsy to think or I would already be dialing your number and asking your ailment. even though i know it. I'm sorry though, is all i can say. It's going to be ok, is all i can say. -- I am so tired. Tired of everything and literally tired. How many times have I written those words in this diary, i wonder. Alot. I feel us drifting. you and I drifting. he and I drifting. You are going to be clutched to the samba band on sunday, but my ties with them are broken and it is just an awkward loose dangling cord that i reach for when it's convenient for me because it keeps me close to you. nevertheless, it is cut. he and i are drifting. so far away we cannot possibly understand the language of one another within three minute phone calls, even though we speak the same words. it, this, gets harder every day and I think i'm ok but i'm not ok. i find myself just wanting a manly figure to hold and to cuddle and I know that if I keep pushing this want inside it's going to manifest itself into something very bad. even though it won't, the desire will not go away and the bitterness will only overwhelm so much until it becomes a monster all it's own. bitterness for his absense. bitterness for his drinking. bitterness for his experiencing without me. bitterness for the woman who gave him a haircut, and then a shoulder massage. bitterness for the beauty in japanese women, and bitterness for the huge frame that I carry that looks nothing like theirs. Bitterness for the way that i dug my path, and if i had not chosen this one perhaps i would not have to go to sleep at night alone, knowing that i cannot even be with anyone because i have a one but he's not here. if i wasn't with him, i could have a partner in my bed, if i wanted to. whenever. but with it this way, i cannot. And I am not a man, and men's needs are far more sexually charged than women's, so this makes me feel insecure. who are you looking at when you cannot look at me for months at a time? I am looking at this man and that one. But I don't need sex the way you do. Who are you looking at when you can't look at me? Because I want to kill each and every one of her. kill them dead. because i am no better. just more bitter. 8:46 p.m. - 2005-11-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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