laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- elusive. lucid. It really is true that when the course of this road starts to ride a little smoother, a whole new stretch of pot holes lays itself before me. I am only scratching the surface of understanding this concept, and accepting it into my life. [As if I had any other choice.] My Grandmother's impending death causes mixed emotions. I feel as though I paid tribute to her with my oratory, and though she never even knew of it's existence, that was my way of saying good bye to her, and that I love her. She has never been the grandmother to me that she seemed to be to the other kids..and maybe that's why I am not so stricken with grief. I wish the grandmother I was close to was a better person earlier in her life, and more importantly in my mother's life, because she was a good woman and a good grandma, somewhere within that darkness of hers. I actually cried when I learned of how she died, but I doubt I will cry over Grandma Norman's death. This is sad, and I probably won't admit it to anyone else. But..it's honesty. In any case it will be at least a 3 or 4 day break from urban outfitters. And a welcome one at that. 85 hours on my last paycheck. That's more than full time hours, and I'm supposed to be a part time employee? Ok.. Tommorow is errand day, and when I end this entry I am immediately retiring to bed for a good night of rest before I galavant around the city of San Diego.. making an effort to put my ducks into a row. Being all grown up is really shitty, particularly when the twenty somethings I work with can go for months at a time without working, living solely off of parents contributions to their survival. When I was two hours late for work yesterday I got "the talk". I hate "the talk" for a plethora of reasons, but namely because I all ready know every word of "the talk" before it is even uttered. The thing that stung, that I was not expecting, was a reference to my commitment to responsibilities..something I have always been known for amongst friends and family. But yesterday my commitment was highly in question, and understandably so, but I knew there was nothing I could say to disprove any doubts, and that my actions were the only language that would ever redeem my credibility. The worst part, is that I had no intentions of being late. I went out to a party and got a little altered, but when I got home I set two alarms to insure that I woke up in time to get ready and be there when I was supposed to be. However, due to the substances that I chose to submit to my body, I was a corpse in my slumber, and slept right through both alarms. Only to be awoken by the telephone ringing, and a calm voice on the other end of the line asking me if I knew that I was supposed to be to work at 8. All I could think as I stood there helplessly caught in the clutch of "the talk" was: "If you only knew how much responsibility I have to tend to, as it's tugging at my shirt sleeves and drowning me in worry...you would not be working me 43 hours a week, and simultaneously questioning my ability to be commit myself to this job." Today was much better though. And nowadays I have a blonde haired head to search for every time I penetrate the glass doors. I could look at the schedule, and see when those golden blonde hairs are written to coinside with my strawberry blonde ones. But I like the element and motivation of surprise. And I really like the way the muscles underneath those blonde arm hairs engage and release. Sinewy and firm, and more graceful than a thousand swans. A new unicorn. 1:54 a.m. - 2006-08-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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