laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I can't even begin to explain I don't know why, but this seems like a good idea. I need to be real with myself, for the next several minutes of this late night/early morning, and take inventory of my life, and thoughts. Here I go... My name is Sandra. Sandi. Norman. Harper. I am 19 years old. Almost 20. [not that that means shit.] I am married. I am still about 98% adjusted to my married name. My husband and I will be married 6 months the 20th of this month [september, 2006]. My husband is in the Navy. [The Navy can kiss my ass.] I've been with my husband 1 of our 6 months of marriage. I love my husband more than I thought I could ever genuinely love a man, and I feel like I could tell him almost anything and he would still accept me. And that's true..deep love. The only thing I can't tell him, is that I messed around with another man within the past week. I am a cunt. -The other man, is someone I have been infatuated with on and off for 6 years. [He is a musician. Aren't they all?] -The other man and I are [were] really good friends. -He came on to me. I didn't stop him. -We had both been drinking. A lot. -I am bitter about my husband not calling me, or paying attention to me, and being gone all the fucking time. -He, literally, is gone all the time. Not figuratively, and I'm not exaggerating. -The other man expands my mind in ways my husband never could. The above seven statements are not excuses. I am still a cunt. My low self esteem gets in the way of my judgement, occasionally. This cheating instance, was one of those occassions. I thought to myself "I have wanted this for so long, and now I can have it. If he [of all men] thinks that I'm pretty, and worth touching, it must be true." And for a few moments, I felt pretty, and like I was worth touching. In the morning. I felt confused. Now. The other man won't return my calls. Now. I feel pissed. And like a cunt. And still confused. A secret told: Before I got married, I told myself that if this other man ever came on to me, I would let him, because I think [thought] everyone should be allowed their unicorn. And I made a deal with myself..never anticipating in a million lifetimes that the opportunity would actually present itself. I am proud of myself for being good enough for him to touch. And that makes me ashamed of myself for being so fucking shallow. I am fascinated by his mind. I am terrified of his disapproval. I am paralyzed until I speak to him again. Our personalities could never work in a relationship. My husband is the most amazing man, and I am lucky that he decided I was good enough to marry. He loves every little peice of me. He loves my mind. He loves my body. If I asked him to, he would climb into the heavens and pluck every single burning star from the black canvas of the sky, and carry them to me in his arms. In my dreams, though, I always married a man that would give me the stars without me having to ask for them. And for that reason, I will never ask for him for them. I have completely forgotten what his touch feels like. We were supposed to be together. I have almost completely forgotten why I thought it was a good idea to get married to man I couldn't touch for a large portion of each year. Sometimes I think it's because I wanted to show everyone how strong I am. Other times I wonder if it's because of my low self esteem. But really I know it's because we're supposed to be together, because we are amazing together, and perfectly matched in just about every way. Most of the time I am so overcome with grief for the time I am missing out on with my husband, that I cry the entire time I write him an email. I usually write him at an email at least once a day. But not so much lately, because I am tired of crying. Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on my own life by being married. I feel like that right now. The song "golly sandra" by eisley very accurately depicts a theme that could easily be about me. I've grown up really crazy. I am exhausted. 1:19 a.m. - 2006-09-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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