laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fog Tonight went... ugh
Basically...it was just a drunken mistake..and I need to forget it ever happened. The question now is: How do I keep from feeling like an ugly used whore? I can easily see myself slipping, slipping slipping. Into the deep depression I have known two other times in my life. I feel my fingernails clawing at the walls, clutching anything to stay out of the pit of despair. But I don't know if I can do it. All of this...is too much. It's too much. Driving home, both more confused and less confused, I looked out at the water over the freeways edge, and couldnt' find a purpose. What am I doing? Why do I always choose the hardest path laid before me? I want to scream into his face. I want to grab his arms and shake him, and tell him how he makes me feel about myself. Ugly, and unsure, and insecure beyond anything you could imagine. I want to scream at him that he can't just go around acting cool, breaking my heart every time he looks at me, stomping it down even harder every time he smiles. I want to make him tell me that I'm the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, and ever will see, and that he's sorry for ever ignoring me or dismissing me. I want to make him tell me that that night wasn't just some drunk mistake, and that he has feelings for me too, and that he's sorry for making things so confusing. But..what good would any of that really do? He is too cool for me. Always has been. Always will be. I am the ocean underneath his sky. He can whip me up into a hurricane, and I can moisten his winds. But other than that, we coexist completely unaffected by each others existence. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am too deep for his airy ways. My words are too drowning, and his air is too evaporating for me to ever get too close anyway. But God, his arms make me feel warm. And safe. And of course, the only music playing on the radio is fucking depressing. All the songs I just can't deal with hearing just keep coming up, one after another. 2:17 a.m. - 2006-09-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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