laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a slow death It's the honesty that binds me to others. It's honesty, above all other characteristics, that signifies to me that a person is worth keeping, and caring for. Honesty is what binds me to you, my love...as well as to my man, and to emily. Even though she and I go long periods being out of touch, we always slip right back into it when we are re-connected. It's being honest with Noah, being able to say whatever I'm feeling, that makes me know, within myself, that I truly love him. I will never tell him everything there is to know...and I will never tell him about that musician and I, but I could...and that's how I know it's real. Last night I cleaned, and cooked, and waited. I waited for him to come home to me, and eat the dinner I'd made, and listen to the music in the air, and sleep in our bed with me. But he never came to me...except over wires and cables and sattelites. Even now tears streaming down don't make it hurt less, and that's why my transgression will go unnamed to him, because every day that I cry out for our love is a transgression against me by him. Baby Girl. Beautiful woman. Do what you feel...is all I can say. Because to tear your insides out through your ribcage is not going to make your time away any more enjoyable. You can wonder and ponder and hate and love, you can cry and think about how you deserve to explore, you can pine and think about how he's so good and you want to stay closed to others. But it's like you told me months ago...you will know when the time comes..what to do. Until you taste the fear...of being out in that water...you won't appreciate the safety of land. Not deliberately to hurt the lion, not deliberately to push experiences like we did in those old days. But to be present within your own body, not transporting mind and soul between recife and tucson. Inhabit your skin while you are able to be in such a beautiful new place, because I know you don't want to look back upon your time there and think mostly of how you worried about your relationships in other parts of the globe. His body, and his love, and everything that goes with it, will be there when you return. And no label needs to be placed upon it, because I know you know how little importance that label really holds. Does that make sense? Sometimes music revives me...and sometimes it kills me. It makes my heart ache...and my cheeks salty with the saline water that falls from my eyes. Right now .. it's killing me. 12:28 p.m. - 2006-10-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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