laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Old. Same. I am having such an extremely difficult time picking up the phone, and returning phone calls. I just...don't want to. And I don't. For days, sometimes weeks. I don't understand why this keeps happening, why I make the decision not to call a person who has expressed that they want me to do just that. But it's only the people with energies that I don't want to feel right now. Mom. Dad. Debbie. Katie. Shelley. I don't want to feel their negativity, their problems, their life. I don't want to pretend to care, because really in my selfish little world I cannot change what's going on in their lives for them. I cannot alter it. And pretending like I have something wise or soothing to say just isn't a task I'm up for lately. I used to be real with my Mom. Now it seems like any little thing I tell her winds up in at least 5 other people's ears. If I wanted them to know, I would have told them myself...but it's been that way for years. So now all I can do is just listen, but on the other end of the line...on my end...I find myself fidgeting and tappng and rolling my eyes. Perhaps thinking subconsciously that these bratty little gestures will end the conversation sooner. I just really hate talking to people I can't be real with. I don't see the point. My Mom isn't being real with herself, and surely not with me, and I've told her that I feel this way several times. The metal armor is a defense, and a valid one at that. But I can only hear "I'll be ok, everything's going to be just fine" so many times before I scream out "You're NOT ok and you need to DEAL WITH IT instead of pretending to be fine!!" Ugh. Same old story. And I'm caught somewhere up in it, floating between states and continents, trying to maintain. 1:19 a.m. - 2006-10-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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