laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- peices "I may say that it was your fault..because I know you could've done more. But you're so naive you're so.." It's late and I've been looking at this screen entirely too long but I can't help but wonder what the fuck I'm doing. And when I'm sitting, wondering what the fuck I'm doing...I can't help but stare at this screen. And I come here...to tell you all about it. Our conversations keep getting chopped and I don't know why but it broke my heart. My love and I are going to re-connect and it's going to be amazing but I feel like it's going to take time to either bury the secrets or build up the courage to air them. I want to air them, and for everything to still be ok. Honesty is what keeps us together after all, isn't it? But honey....this other one. I can't seem to quit him. I just can't seem to put him down and it's confusing things terribly. When I'm with him, I'm someone else. I'm cool, I'm pretty, I let go. He takes over, when he wants me, he takes me. When he wants to kiss me he does. I told him the other night about what it was like being with noah after so long, and how I couldn't stop thinking about him. I told him everything, and how I hate what I've become, because of him. The next day he apologized and finally told me that if things were different, he would want to be with me. Since that moment he's been genuine and loving. Loving. Then this morning, I took him to the airport. Quite possibly the last time I will see him. I didn't let him see the tears..but they came. And afterward, I was left asking why they came. Why? I looked down into my hands one day and found in them my own barely beating bleeding heart. The person I'd given it to was not taking care of it the way he should have been, in order to keep it alive. Every day it hurt more and more, until finally I tore it out. I carried it around for a while, and no one asked questions really. They just looked at me and said to each other "that poor sad girl." Then I found a boy who made me really smile, so I hid my heart..and the bloody hands that held it, behind my back so he could not see. The boy made me happy sometimes, and I would laugh with him. So eventually, I showed him what I had done, and asked if he would help me fix it. But when I tried to give it to him, he wouldn't keep it...he kept dropping it all over the place, making it dirty and bruised. I just want to feel my heart beating in my chest again. I just want to feel...again. Something other than dirty and bruised. Dreams on clouds are floating around me and I want to jump on one of them and ride it to you. I stopped dreaming for a long while, for many reasons. Slowly they're coming back, and I want to share my dreams with you. I want to hear your dreams too. Remember the van? Let's cheesecake and chai tea until our tummies pooch out. 12:34 a.m. - 2007-01-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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