laffinkid's Diaryland Diary

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short letters

a-
why are you being so sweet to me when you know that nothing you do matters? everything you do matters to me. but nothing you do matters...to me. for me. none of it. i'm done with you even though I want your affection so badly. just to fill the time, really. i want your sweetness without the black cloud, to know that it's genuine and not just easy. but even if you were to give me every last drop of your affection and sweetness it still would not fill this hole. inside me. why are you doing this to me, when we both know that it's wrong and you are the one perpetuating it. calling me while you're away, and actually calling me when you say you're going to. actually calling me. you are stupid, and I am stupid for falling for you. see ya.

n-
why are you so amazing, yet nothing that i want right now? I don't want anything to do with you and the navy and japan and moving. I don't want anything to do with all this stress and all this anxiety and all the shit we're going to go through with marriage counseling when I get there. I want to just wash my hands clean of it and start over with you. You are so willing and so eager to please me but I don't even know how to please myself and everything I touch gets dragged into shit. And I'm sorry for dragging you into my shit. And I'm sorry for hurting you. And I'm sorry for not being happy, because it's not you, you're just another peice of the puzzle that makes me so unsatisfied.
I want to be a nice woman again, and I want you to trust me even though I dont deserve it.

I feel like we are even now, even though you don't know it. We're even. All the pain, all the tears, all the uncertainty and nervous breakdowns. My actions, with this other man, it had to be done. And it was wrong. And I am begging forgiveness. But we are even now.

Clean slate.

All I ever wanted to do was love you, and be an amazing wife, be your amazing wife. Things change and fall apart but I'm going to set everything aside, one more time, to give us a chance.

I love you.

2:00 a.m. - 2007-01-22

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