laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Show Me the Way One of those struggling times. I can't seem to find the means to get here, and now that I have them, and the time, I don't know where to begin. It's been so long singe I've looked at the page and actually typed words. It seems like everything has been turned upside down, and I don't know which way to look when I cross the street. My emotions flip back and forth like a fish out of water, so quick and so violent that I often times wonder if I need a pill to cure it. The anger grows and flourishes from so many seeds, and there aren't enough seeds of love to defeat it. And I'm angry at myself. So angry at myself. Sitting here alone, in this house that is not mine at all, I feel the love welling up. He's roaming the streets of Japan in uniform, looking for drunk sailors to escort back to base before they do something stupid. And I feel proud of him. But money keeps ruining my life, and my happiness...and I can't figure how it got so bad. We are going to make it through this shit. Sometimes I doubt it. Sometimes I look at him and I think "He cannot help me raise a child, he doesn't even know how to cook more than 3 dishes." Other times the song "I'll Stand By You" by The Pretenders is the only one that says exactly how I feel. I feel like I'm yelling all the time. I am yelling all the time, at anyone who gets in my way. Most of the time it's him, and he can't even help it. He doesn't do it on purpose, but everything gets so ruined and lately instead of breaking down from the inside out, and crying until my body shivers....I yell and curse. All he ever wanted to do was love me, and all I ever wanted to do was go to college. Lost between this place where I'm stuck, and my dreams that keep slipping away. The worst thing: I have absolutely no friends here that aren't in the Navy. And the people in this country can all go to hell. Stone faces or candy faces painted with makeup and gigantic hair and rail thin frames. How can an entire culture be so obsessed with child's things like cartoons and toys, and yet be so completely foreign to the warmth of humanity? And the weather...ohhhh the weather...is a whole other story. And that indiscretion has been haunting me. For weeks it danced on my tounge, so easy to say....so impossible to un-say. And it still goes unsaid. I am not at peace with anything that involved those inhumanly poor choices, but I think that there are worse things. And I know that they are the past, and are a part of a past that I-Myself did not take an active role in. The anger and the abandonment, the terrifying feeling of wondering, and wandering, led a dark path. A Dark Past. So far climbing out of that hell has been difficult. Slow. And the outlook for this summer is becoming a bleak one, with the money money money demon, and the problems that just keep coming. It's always the same bullshit and I'm so tired of it I'm becoming mentally ill. Tommorow we are going to two very important things though. One of them is see a marriage counselor about preparing for the deployment, as well as trust, and communication. The other is going to a financial counselor, who will hopefully be able to help us. I am really hungry, and I don't know what to eat. There are no pictures on my walls and that breaks my heart...and I think it's why I feel like an alien my own house. Now: Something else. What I've been meaning to say to you.
And I imagine how you would laugh at them with me, if you were here. I imagine how you would laugh at how the people who work in Japanese stores yell crazy sounding things when you walk in or out or buy something. I imagine that your hair is lighter, and your skin is darker, and your eyes a little more sparkly. I listen to you telling me about Carnaval, and all the steamy love affairs you had in your mind, passing handsome strangers. And all the steamy love affairs you had in reality, and how my heart jumps to hear them and see your face light up as the words jumble off your lips...becuase your mind is mixing languages and your heart is mixing butterflies. I feel like my absence on this page deletes a part of me. Probably because I have no one else to tell. But here is some of it, finally out.
5:47 a.m. - 2007-04-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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