laffinkid's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- maps I've become the most boring girl I know...I'm shy and overwhelmed by distances between the people I love the most and I don't know how I do this every time but it's very clear to me now how over half a year ago my hellacious decision making skills seemed at the time...perfectly intact. And my choices reasonable. I don't know what I'm doing here, or anywhere, there's no purpose to be seen except to cook and clean and if it's not for one man then it's for another and I'm feeling more and more like a mother. I wish my dreams lived beyond my imagination, I wish I could just pick up and fly across the nation and over the seas and around the globe and not get looks when they see the ring and they ask the meaning. And I tell the truth and they stare and glare and compare my age to my finger jewelry and the promise engaged to it. I want to fly again but I just feel like crying again, and I just fucking hate it here. I just fucking hate it. The trains clanking by so closely, the dog lying on the porch next to me, I hate all of it. The room I sleep in, the bed with cat hair. The unbearable daytime heat and the restlessness I feel in the warm breeze of the night, just like we did when we were those younger ages. I've never been able to just dance like you, but it's getting so bottled that now it's even hard for me to laugh like me. MY OWN laughter eludes me. Escapes me. And you are such a winged creature, now more than ever, and I am such an earthen root. So stuck. I don't know how or where or when to begin tearing away the walls I've built around the precious gem of our friendship...to keep it safe and protected. To keep it warm and dry...but then the walls got dusty and though I never forgot how to love you, the hinges got rusty and it's going to be slow to open the doors. It's the same thing. Patterns. Habits. And tired eyes. and living lies. 3:21 a.m. - 2007-06-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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